I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
