just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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