I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize