She is in my trunk
Yo dont text me then not text me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
