The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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