The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
