Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
