TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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