I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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