It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
