Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
