Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just want to make out with him forever
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
