Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
