she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
