Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
