The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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