You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
