Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
