My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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