it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize