he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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