Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
