he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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