I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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