allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
