you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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