I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
