i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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