College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
