So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
