I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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