i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
