I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
