I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
