Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
