Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
