She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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