"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
