Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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