my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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