the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize