I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
