I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
