Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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