no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
