I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
