Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
