I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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