margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
