your parents love me but you hate me
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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