Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
