After last night, I could never be a politician.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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