Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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