i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
