I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
