Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just high enough for therapy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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