I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Send help, water and tortillas.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
