apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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