There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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