last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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