He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
