I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
