So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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